How to Make Friends: The Rules of Talking About Yourself
Ever asked yourself, "am I boring?" The problem isn't your life. It's how you talk about it. Purely factual answers create dead-end conversations. This rule shows you how to talk to people by revealing the emotion behind the facts, transforming small talk into genuine connection. This is a fundamental skill for figuring out how to make friends and showing the interesting person you already are.
The Rule
Never give just the facts. Always include a feeling, a struggle, or a small vulnerability.
Relational Context
This rule is crucial during small talk conversations, when using get to know you questions, and in any situation where you're figuring out how to make new friends.
Why This Rule Works
Flat, factual answers are a primary reason conversations fizzle. They offer nothing for the other person to latch onto (hooks), which is the opposite of how to be more approachable. This rule forces a shift from a human fact-file to a relatable person, which is the key to how to keep a conversation interesting and build a "shared reality."
How to Do It: The "Fact + Feeling" Method
Take any standard answer and add a layer of personal, emotional texture.
- Instead of: "I work in marketing." (A dead-end fact)
Try: "I work in marketing. I actually fell into it by accident, but I've really grown to love the creative puzzle of it." (Adds a feeling: "love," and a hook: "fell into it by accident")
- Instead of: "My weekend was good." (Forces the other person to carry the conversation)
Try: "My weekend was good! I finally tried that new hiking trail. It was stunning, but I am unbelievably sore today." (Adds a feeling: "stunning," and a vulnerable hook: "unbelievably sore") - Instead of: "I got a promotion." (Forces a generic "Congratulations!")
Try: "I got a promotion. I'm thrilled, but also a little nervous about leading the new team." (Adds complex, relatable feelings: "thrilled" and "nervous")
Common Mistake
Believing you need an amazing life to be interesting. This is the "Event Fallacy." People aren't connecting with your events; they're connecting with you. The real value is in sharing your emotional response to completely ordinary things.
The Red Flag Cues (Behaviors to Avoid)
If your "story"...
- Is a pure recitation of events with no emotional color (The Human Press Release).
- Feels like a resume of achievements designed to impress (The Achievement Bot).
- Involves oversharing deep traumas with a casual acquaintance (The Over-sharer).
- Is delivered as a monologue with no pause for the other person to relate (The Solo Performer).
What to Do When You Mess Up
Recover with a "Feeling Pivot."
If you realize you just gave a flat, factual answer, don't panic. Simply add: "...But what I didn't mention is how [frustrating/hopeful/surprising] it actually was." This gracefully corrects course and gives you a second chance to continue a conversation with connection.
Exception to the Rule
In these two scenarios, prioritize other social skills first: 1) When someone is emotionally venting, lead with validation instead of sharing your feelings. 2) In very brief, transactional interactions (ordering coffee), simple facts are all that's needed.
Mantra
Facts inform people, but feelings connect with them
Want to practice these skills with concrete phrases and scenarios? Our Conversation Playbook flashcards are designed to give you the tools for real-world application.
Ever asked yourself, "am I boring?" The problem isn't your life. It's how you talk about it. Purely factual answers create dead-end conversations. This rule shows you how to talk to people by revealing the emotion behind the facts, transforming small talk into genuine connection. This is a fundamental skill for figuring out how to make friends and showing the interesting person you already are.
The Rule
Never give just the facts. Always include a feeling, a struggle, or a small vulnerability.
Relational Context
This rule is crucial during small talk conversations, when using get to know you questions, and in any situation where you're figuring out how to make new friends.
Why This Rule Works
Flat, factual answers are a primary reason conversations fizzle. They offer nothing for the other person to latch onto (hooks), which is the opposite of how to be more approachable. This rule forces a shift from a human fact-file to a relatable person, which is the key to how to keep a conversation interesting and build a "shared reality."
How to Do It: The "Fact + Feeling" Method
Take any standard answer and add a layer of personal, emotional texture.
- Instead of: "I work in marketing." (A dead-end fact)
Try: "I work in marketing. I actually fell into it by accident, but I've really grown to love the creative puzzle of it." (Adds a feeling: "love," and a hook: "fell into it by accident")
- Instead of: "My weekend was good." (Forces the other person to carry the conversation)
Try: "My weekend was good! I finally tried that new hiking trail. It was stunning, but I am unbelievably sore today." (Adds a feeling: "stunning," and a vulnerable hook: "unbelievably sore") - Instead of: "I got a promotion." (Forces a generic "Congratulations!")
Try: "I got a promotion. I'm thrilled, but also a little nervous about leading the new team." (Adds complex, relatable feelings: "thrilled" and "nervous")
Common Mistake
Believing you need an amazing life to be interesting. This is the "Event Fallacy." People aren't connecting with your events; they're connecting with you. The real value is in sharing your emotional response to completely ordinary things.
The Red Flag Cues (Behaviors to Avoid)
If your "story"...
- Is a pure recitation of events with no emotional color (The Human Press Release).
- Feels like a resume of achievements designed to impress (The Achievement Bot).
- Involves oversharing deep traumas with a casual acquaintance (The Over-sharer).
- Is delivered as a monologue with no pause for the other person to relate (The Solo Performer).
What to Do When You Mess Up
Recover with a "Feeling Pivot."
If you realize you just gave a flat, factual answer, don't panic. Simply add: "...But what I didn't mention is how [frustrating/hopeful/surprising] it actually was." This gracefully corrects course and gives you a second chance to continue a conversation with connection.
Exception to the Rule
In these two scenarios, prioritize other social skills first: 1) When someone is emotionally venting, lead with validation instead of sharing your feelings. 2) In very brief, transactional interactions (ordering coffee), simple facts are all that's needed.
Mantra
Facts inform people, but feelings connect with them
Want to practice these skills with concrete phrases and scenarios? Our Conversation Playbook flashcards are designed to give you the tools for real-world application.
