How to Make Friends: Rules On Ditching the "How Are You?" Script
Struggling with how to keep a conversation going? The problem often starts with the very first question. "How are you?" is a social script that creates anxiety and forces a performance, making both people feel awkward, searching for things to talk about. Whether you're the one fumbling for an interesting answer or you're the one asking, this rule shows you how to talk to people in a way that feels genuine, not robotic. This is a fundamental skill for figuring out how to make friends, moving beyond superficial small talk.
The Rule
Never ask a generic, performative question. Always anchor your question in a specific, shared context.
Relational Context
This rule is crucial during small talk conversations with acquaintances, colleagues, or when you're figuring out how to make new friends. It's one of the most powerful conversation topics to have in your arsenal. With very close friends and family where deep trust is established, the rules are more flexible.
Why This Rule Works
Generic questions like "How are you?" or "Been up to anything exciting?" are conversation-enders disguised as conversation starters. They force the other person to perform a high-pressure mental scan for "interesting" answers, which is not a good solution for how to start a small talk conversation. This rule promotes a shift from a passive script-reader to an active, observant conversation partner, which is the key to how to keep a conversation interesting and flowing.
How to Do It: The "Anchor & Ask" Method
Shift your focus from filling silence to building a bridge from your shared reality. This method provides you with better open ended questions for conversation.
- Instead of: "How are you?" (A performative, generic question)
Try: "Looks like it’s been a long week with that new project. Are you glad it’s finally Friday?" (This anchors the question in a specific, shared context and is a great small talk conversation starter.) - Instead of: "Working on anything exciting?" (Forces a performance and is a weak get to know you question)
Try: "How is that big project with [Client Name] going?" or "Been on any new hiking trails since we last talked?" (This anchors the question in something you already know about them, making it one of the best questions to ask when getting to know someone.) - Instead of: "How was your weekend?" (Vague and overwhelming)
Try: "Did you see the big news on [topic] this weekend?" or "Did you get a chance to relax after your busy week?" (This provides a specific frame for their answer, giving them an easy how are you doing response.)
Common Mistake
Believing that "How are you?" is a necessary social courtesy. This is the "Politeness Trap." In reality, a generic question that forces a performance is the opposite of polite. It's a social burden. The real value is in asking a question that is genuinely easy and interesting for the other person to answer.
The Red Flag Cues (Behaviors to Avoid)
If your "question"...
- Forces the other person to summarize their entire life or week (The Life Auditor).
- Has only one socially acceptable answer ("Good") making it hard to keep a conversation flowing (The Politeness Enforcer).
- Requires them to invent an interesting story on the spot (The Performance Critic).
- Is something you would ask a complete stranger with no shared history (The Generic Bot).
What to Do When You Mess Up
Pivot simply and specifically.
If you accidentally ask "How are you?" and get a robotic "Good, you?" script, don't just continue on with another "Good!". Say something like "I was actually wondering - how did that meeting go you were prepping for?" This helps you recover and is a key tactic for how to continue any conversation.
Exception to the Rule
In literal passing interactions (e.g., walking past a colleague in the hall), the generic script is efficient and acceptable.
Mantra
Generic questions get generic answers. Specific inquiries create specific connections.
Our Conversation Playbook flashcards give you these kinds of specific, low-pressure alternatives so you never feel stuck in performance mode again. They provide the specific dialogue and mindset shifts to help you master these new strategies.
Struggling with how to keep a conversation going? The problem often starts with the very first question. "How are you?" is a social script that creates anxiety and forces a performance, making both people feel awkward, searching for things to talk about. Whether you're the one fumbling for an interesting answer or you're the one asking, this rule shows you how to talk to people in a way that feels genuine, not robotic. This is a fundamental skill for figuring out how to make friends, moving beyond superficial small talk.
The Rule
Never ask a generic, performative question. Always anchor your question in a specific, shared context.
Relational Context
This rule is crucial during small talk conversations with acquaintances, colleagues, or when you're figuring out how to make new friends. It's one of the most powerful conversation topics to have in your arsenal. With very close friends and family where deep trust is established, the rules are more flexible.
Why This Rule Works
Generic questions like "How are you?" or "Been up to anything exciting?" are conversation-enders disguised as conversation starters. They force the other person to perform a high-pressure mental scan for "interesting" answers, which is not a good solution for how to start a small talk conversation. This rule promotes a shift from a passive script-reader to an active, observant conversation partner, which is the key to how to keep a conversation interesting and flowing.
How to Do It: The "Anchor & Ask" Method
Shift your focus from filling silence to building a bridge from your shared reality. This method provides you with better open ended questions for conversation.
- Instead of: "How are you?" (A performative, generic question)
Try: "Looks like it’s been a long week with that new project. Are you glad it’s finally Friday?" (This anchors the question in a specific, shared context and is a great small talk conversation starter.) - Instead of: "Working on anything exciting?" (Forces a performance and is a weak get to know you question)
Try: "How is that big project with [Client Name] going?" or "Been on any new hiking trails since we last talked?" (This anchors the question in something you already know about them, making it one of the best questions to ask when getting to know someone.) - Instead of: "How was your weekend?" (Vague and overwhelming)
Try: "Did you see the big news on [topic] this weekend?" or "Did you get a chance to relax after your busy week?" (This provides a specific frame for their answer, giving them an easy how are you doing response.)
Common Mistake
Believing that "How are you?" is a necessary social courtesy. This is the "Politeness Trap." In reality, a generic question that forces a performance is the opposite of polite. It's a social burden. The real value is in asking a question that is genuinely easy and interesting for the other person to answer.
The Red Flag Cues (Behaviors to Avoid)
If your "question"...
- Forces the other person to summarize their entire life or week (The Life Auditor).
- Has only one socially acceptable answer ("Good") making it hard to keep a conversation flowing (The Politeness Enforcer).
- Requires them to invent an interesting story on the spot (The Performance Critic).
- Is something you would ask a complete stranger with no shared history (The Generic Bot).
What to Do When You Mess Up
Pivot simply and specifically.
If you accidentally ask "How are you?" and get a robotic "Good, you?" script, don't just continue on with another "Good!". Say something like "I was actually wondering - how did that meeting go you were prepping for?" This helps you recover and is a key tactic for how to continue any conversation.
Exception to the Rule
In literal passing interactions (e.g., walking past a colleague in the hall), the generic script is efficient and acceptable.
Mantra
Generic questions get generic answers. Specific inquiries create specific connections.
Our Conversation Playbook flashcards give you these kinds of specific, low-pressure alternatives so you never feel stuck in performance mode again. They provide the specific dialogue and mindset shifts to help you master these new strategies.
