How to Be Yourself: The Rule of Intentional Energy
Tired of advice telling you to "just be high energy" to be liked? Forcing enthusiasm is exhausting and comes off as inauthentic, making conversations feel awkward and leaving you wondering, "am I boring?" This rule cuts through the noise, showing you how to talk to people using your natural strengths. Whether you're quiet or outgoing, this is a fundamental skill for figuring out how to make friends and have conversations that don't drain you.
The Rule
Match your energy to the connection, not the volume. Prioritize intentional engagement over performative excitement.
Relational Context
This rule is crucial in one-on-one small talk conversations, when make new friends, and professional networking. In a high-energy group setting like a concert or sports game, matching the crowd's excitement is more appropriate.
Why This Rule Works
Forced, generic energy is a primary reason conversations feel strained. It creates a performance instead of a connection, which is the opposite of how to be more approachable. This rule shifts your focus from "How loud should I be?" to "How present can I be?", which is the real key to how to keep a conversation interesting.
How to Do It: The "Calm Connection" Method
Replace the pressure to be "on" with the power of being present.
- Instead of: Forcing a loud, "OMG THAT'S AMAZING!!" when you hear someone's news.
Try: Leaning in slightly, making soft eye contact, and saying, "You must be so proud. Tell me how it felt when you found out?" (This uses an open ended question that shows deep interest.) - Instead of: Talking quickly and filling every silence to seem energetic.
Try: Embracing the "Power Pause." After they speak, take a beat to process, then respond thoughtfully. This shows you're listening, not just waiting for your turn to talk, and is essential for how to keep a conversation flowing. - Instead of: Mimicking a "peppy" personality that isn't you.
Try: Channeling your energy into open body language. This includes, facing them fully, and using small verbal nods ("mhmm," "go on"). Open body language signals engagement without a performance.
Common Mistake
Believing that connection requires a high-volume, one-size-fits-all personality. This is the "Motivational Speaker" fallacy. Authentic connection isn't about energy level; it's about how to be more interesting in conversation through genuine curiosity and attentiveness.
The Red Flag Cues (Behaviors to Avoid)
If your "energy"...
- Feels like a performance you're putting on (The Over-Actor).
- Drowns out the other person's chance to speak (The Steamroller).
- Is the same with a grieving friend as it is at a party (The Context-Blind).
- Leaves you feeling mentally drained after socializing (The Burnt-Out Performer).
What to Do When You Mess Up
Pause and recenter.
If you catch yourself being overly loud or performative, don't panic. Simply take a slow breath, soften your posture, and ask a thoughtful question focused on them: "Anyway, I've been talking a lot. What's your take on that?" This is a simple way to continue a conversation with more authenticity.
Exception to the Rule
In situations where you are genuinely and mutually excited (e.g., celebrating a huge win with a close friend), uninhibited, high-energy expressions are natural and wonderful.
Mantra
Forced energy is noise. Intentional presence is an attuned signal.
Want to practice these skills with concrete phrases and scenarios? Our Conversation Playbook flashcards are designed to give you the tools for real-world application.
Tired of advice telling you to "just be high energy" to be liked? Forcing enthusiasm is exhausting and comes off as inauthentic, making conversations feel awkward and leaving you wondering, "am I boring?" This rule cuts through the noise, showing you how to talk to people using your natural strengths. Whether you're quiet or outgoing, this is a fundamental skill for figuring out how to make friends and have conversations that don't drain you.
The Rule
Match your energy to the connection, not the volume. Prioritize intentional engagement over performative excitement.
Relational Context
This rule is crucial in one-on-one small talk conversations, when make new friends, and professional networking. In a high-energy group setting like a concert or sports game, matching the crowd's excitement is more appropriate.
Why This Rule Works
Forced, generic energy is a primary reason conversations feel strained. It creates a performance instead of a connection, which is the opposite of how to be more approachable. This rule shifts your focus from "How loud should I be?" to "How present can I be?", which is the real key to how to keep a conversation interesting.
How to Do It: The "Calm Connection" Method
Replace the pressure to be "on" with the power of being present.
- Instead of: Forcing a loud, "OMG THAT'S AMAZING!!" when you hear someone's news.
Try: Leaning in slightly, making soft eye contact, and saying, "You must be so proud. Tell me how it felt when you found out?" (This uses an open ended question that shows deep interest.) - Instead of: Talking quickly and filling every silence to seem energetic.
Try: Embracing the "Power Pause." After they speak, take a beat to process, then respond thoughtfully. This shows you're listening, not just waiting for your turn to talk, and is essential for how to keep a conversation flowing. - Instead of: Mimicking a "peppy" personality that isn't you.
Try: Channeling your energy into open body language. This includes, facing them fully, and using small verbal nods ("mhmm," "go on"). Open body language signals engagement without a performance.
Common Mistake
Believing that connection requires a high-volume, one-size-fits-all personality. This is the "Motivational Speaker" fallacy. Authentic connection isn't about energy level; it's about how to be more interesting in conversation through genuine curiosity and attentiveness.
The Red Flag Cues (Behaviors to Avoid)
If your "energy"...
- Feels like a performance you're putting on (The Over-Actor).
- Drowns out the other person's chance to speak (The Steamroller).
- Is the same with a grieving friend as it is at a party (The Context-Blind).
- Leaves you feeling mentally drained after socializing (The Burnt-Out Performer).
What to Do When You Mess Up
Pause and recenter.
If you catch yourself being overly loud or performative, don't panic. Simply take a slow breath, soften your posture, and ask a thoughtful question focused on them: "Anyway, I've been talking a lot. What's your take on that?" This is a simple way to continue a conversation with more authenticity.
Exception to the Rule
In situations where you are genuinely and mutually excited (e.g., celebrating a huge win with a close friend), uninhibited, high-energy expressions are natural and wonderful.
Mantra
Forced energy is noise. Intentional presence is an attuned signal.
Want to practice these skills with concrete phrases and scenarios? Our Conversation Playbook flashcards are designed to give you the tools for real-world application.
