How to Make Friends: The Very Basic Rules
Figuring out how to make friends and you don't even know where to begin? You’re not “bad” at friendships. You just need a little guidance. This rule provides the straightforward, first step you might be missing if you've ever wondered how to make friends as an adult or how to meet new people.
The Rule
Stop looking for a person. Start looking for a activity. Find a repeated, scheduled group activity you genuinely enjoy, and go consistently.
Relational Context
This rule is for anyone feeling disconnected, new to a city, or whose life has changed (like sobriety, a new career, or becoming a parent), dissolving their old social circles. It solves the problem of how to meet people when you feel like you have things to talk about but no one to talk to about it with.
Why This Rule Works
Friendship is built through repeated, unforced interaction. A shared activity does all the heavy lifting for you:
- It gives you built-in conversation topics and things to chat about.
- It ensures you see the same people regularly (building familiarity).
- It removes the pressure to how to keep a conversation going because the focus is on the task.
How to Do It: The "Activity-First" Method
Replace the vague goal of figuring out how to be more interesting with a concrete plan.
- Step 1: Pick an Activity, Not a Person.
- Instead of: "I need to be interesting to have friends."
- Try: "I will find a local hiking group / board game night / book club." This gives you good topics to talk about from day one.
- Step 2: Use the Activity to Spark Connection.
- Instead of: Grilling someone with the generic "get to know you" questions.
- Try: Using the context to ask natural questions. For example, at a hiking club: "What other trails have you done?" (an example of an open ended question), or "It's my first time here. Can I join you guys on the walk?" (How to insert yourself naturally). This is how to make small talk feel effortless.
- Step 3: Start Building a Personal Bridge.
- Instead of: Keeping all conversation strictly about the activity.
- Try: Once you begin recognizing someone, use the activity as a launchpad to learn about them. After a few meetings, ask a low-pressure, open-ended question that's related but personal:
- "What got you into [this activity] in the first place?"
- "Are you working on/doing any any other fun projects/hobbies outside of this?"
- "This is a great group. Have you found any other good clubs around here?"
This is the key to how to make friends by going beyond the surface and discover other potential shared interests.
Common Mistakes
- Mistake 1: Believing you have to be fascinating. In reality, you just have to be present in the right place, consistently.
- Mistake 2: Giving up after one try. Friendships aren't built in one session. They are built through the fifth coffee, the third hike, the tenth game night.
- Mistake 3: Believing the activity is the only thing you need to develop the friendship. Showing up is essential, but it's just the container. The friendship is built by the personal connections you make inside that container. This is why Step 3: Build a Personal Bridge is non-negotiable.
The Red Flag Cues (Behaviors to Avoid)
If your "friend-making" strategy...
- Has no plan beyond "talk to people at a bar." (The Lottery Player)
- Forces you to pretend to like things you don't. (The Chameleon)
- Involves trying to fast-track a friendship by oversharing or demanding too much time too quickly. (The Needy)
- Relies on a general script of get to know you questions that feels more like an interrogation than a conversation.
What to Do When It's Not Working
If you go to an event and don't connect with anyone, you didn't fail. You collected data.
- Ask yourself: "Did I genuinely enjoy the activity itself?" If not, try a different one. If you did, just go again. Familiarity builds comfort.
Exception to the Rule
The only time you can skip this "activity-first" step is in a powerful, shared circumstance that acts as the activity. For example, like being new parents in the same group, or being teammates on a intense project. These situations force the repeated interaction for you.
Mantra
Friendship grows from shared ground. Find the ground first.
Our Conversation Playbook flashcards allow you to turn these insights into confident, authentic conversations. Start building your playbook today.
Figuring out how to make friends and you don't even know where to begin? You’re not “bad” at friendships. You just need a little guidance. This rule provides the straightforward, first step you might be missing if you've ever wondered how to make friends as an adult or how to meet new people.
The Rule
Stop looking for a person. Start looking for a activity. Find a repeated, scheduled group activity you genuinely enjoy, and go consistently.
Relational Context
This rule is for anyone feeling disconnected, new to a city, or whose life has changed (like sobriety, a new career, or becoming a parent), dissolving their old social circles. It solves the problem of how to meet people when you feel like you have things to talk about but no one to talk to about it with.
Why This Rule Works
Friendship is built through repeated, unforced interaction. A shared activity does all the heavy lifting for you:
- It gives you built-in conversation topics and things to chat about.
- It ensures you see the same people regularly (building familiarity).
- It removes the pressure to how to keep a conversation going because the focus is on the task.
How to Do It: The "Activity-First" Method
Replace the vague goal of figuring out how to be more interesting with a concrete plan.
- Step 1: Pick an Activity, Not a Person.
- Instead of: "I need to be interesting to have friends."
- Try: "I will find a local hiking group / board game night / book club." This gives you good topics to talk about from day one.
- Step 2: Use the Activity to Spark Connection.
- Instead of: Grilling someone with the generic "get to know you" questions.
- Try: Using the context to ask natural questions. For example, at a hiking club: "What other trails have you done?" (an example of an open ended question), or "It's my first time here. Can I join you guys on the walk?" (How to insert yourself naturally). This is how to make small talk feel effortless.
- Step 3: Start Building a Personal Bridge.
- Instead of: Keeping all conversation strictly about the activity.
- Try: Once you begin recognizing someone, use the activity as a launchpad to learn about them. After a few meetings, ask a low-pressure, open-ended question that's related but personal:
- "What got you into [this activity] in the first place?"
- "Are you working on/doing any any other fun projects/hobbies outside of this?"
- "This is a great group. Have you found any other good clubs around here?"
This is the key to how to make friends by going beyond the surface and discover other potential shared interests.
Common Mistakes
- Mistake 1: Believing you have to be fascinating. In reality, you just have to be present in the right place, consistently.
- Mistake 2: Giving up after one try. Friendships aren't built in one session. They are built through the fifth coffee, the third hike, the tenth game night.
- Mistake 3: Believing the activity is the only thing you need to develop the friendship. Showing up is essential, but it's just the container. The friendship is built by the personal connections you make inside that container. This is why Step 3: Build a Personal Bridge is non-negotiable.
The Red Flag Cues (Behaviors to Avoid)
If your "friend-making" strategy...
- Has no plan beyond "talk to people at a bar." (The Lottery Player)
- Forces you to pretend to like things you don't. (The Chameleon)
- Involves trying to fast-track a friendship by oversharing or demanding too much time too quickly. (The Needy)
- Relies on a general script of get to know you questions that feels more like an interrogation than a conversation.
What to Do When It's Not Working
If you go to an event and don't connect with anyone, you didn't fail. You collected data.
- Ask yourself: "Did I genuinely enjoy the activity itself?" If not, try a different one. If you did, just go again. Familiarity builds comfort.
Exception to the Rule
The only time you can skip this "activity-first" step is in a powerful, shared circumstance that acts as the activity. For example, like being new parents in the same group, or being teammates on a intense project. These situations force the repeated interaction for you.
Mantra
Friendship grows from shared ground. Find the ground first.
Our Conversation Playbook flashcards allow you to turn these insights into confident, authentic conversations. Start building your playbook today.
